I’m a member of an incredible fitness program, called X-Team Fitness.

Our program is based on five principles that make it special. Testing, nutrition, accountability, community, and variety make X-Team different, and it is a vital part of my daily life.  We meet early in the morning or late in the afternoon, and in a variety of locations around Richmond, Virginia, including the X-Box at 2928 West Leigh Street.

I joined X-Team in October 2017, completed the introductory six-week fitness challenge, and then continued exercising until about the end of January 2018. My thinking was that I could maintain fitness on my own, with the discipline of the previous months ensuring I would exercise regularly. In fact, I did exercise regularly, throughout the winter and spring, by myself.  My workouts were simpler, shorter, and based on road running. Somehow I maintained a basic fitness level, and lost a little weight.

But, in May of 2018, while at my daughter’s college graduation, I unexpectedly recognized that my leaving a number of activities over the years, including X-Team, was based on a fear.  I was afraid of failing. My fear was based on a belief that my performance was not sufficient, not good enough, not worthy, and did not meet a standard. I think most people would call this “performance anxiety.”

Over the next few weeks, I focused my attention on the causes of my performance anxiety.  Introspection led me to three main elements of my fear. These are

• Unreasonable expectations
• Lack of courage
• Need for affirmation

Each of these three can be compared to the fire triangle of fuel, air, and heat. When all three are present, a fire burns within, and that fire, like most fires, creates fear.

X-Team is an incredible workout, and challenges even the most physically-fit individual. Working out in a group, under the direction of a very capable leader, it is very easy to find yourself thinking “I can’t do this.  I’m really out of shape. These exercises are hard to do. I can’t even do some of these.” Each hour of the workout, you can, very easily, fuel the fire of performance anxiety.  At the end of a workout, you can feel consumed by that fire.

For me, it began with unreasonable expectations.  After only a few weeks with the team, I thought I could run with the long-time members.  I thought I should be able to run with the long-time members.   Instead, running in the back, I fell into a trap where I compared my performance to my own unreasonable expectations.

Along with my unreasonable expectations, I found that some exercises were truly challenging to me.  Concerns about injury, pain, and safety for a risk-averse engineer like me are easy to say out loud.  But, deep down, what kept me from progressing was my own lack of courage. Can I dead lift 150? Can I leap this creek without spraining an ankle?  Can I run faster even though my heart is beating about as fast as it can? Without courage, I found myself in the back of the pack, making excuses, and rationalizing why I couldn’t do some activities.

High expectations and low courage were amplified by a belief that I needed affirmation for what I was doing.  Most of my life, I’ve sought out affirmation. I think we all do. But, at some point, we do need to recognize that our affirmation, our sense of worth, must come from within.  Many learn this at an early age. For me, it’s taken too long.

On that special day, my younger daughter’s graduation, for whatever reason, it clicked.  I saw the issue more truthfully. In time, I understood it. I could make sense of it. And, I wanted to never experience that anxiety again.

So, I began to train harder, by myself.  I let the X-Team know I would be back on August 1, 2018.  I rejoined, with a sense of purpose, but more importantly, with an awareness that I had changed.

Since then, my time with X-Team has been transforming.  If we look at what has happened, we can see that each factor that creates performance anxiety has been attacked.  You could say that these three factors have been vanquished.

First, I’ve challenged my expectations.  Can I run like some on the Team? Can I lift as much weight?  Nope. So, what are my expectations? No longer are they to be like others. My expectations are now different. I expect to give each workout everything I have.  I expect to be tired. I expect to be challenged. I expect to be worn out. And, I expect to be back the next day, ready for more.

Secondly, I’ve become more courageous.  Some of the exercises can challenge your self-confidence.  Can you imagine carrying someone weighing 200 pounds on your back up a steep hill in near darkness?  I’ve done it. More than once. I’ve climbed up a concrete railroad trestle foundation about twelve feet tall. I’ve run further than I’ve ever run–15K in the dead of winter.  I’ve cycled 63 miles in a day, keeping up with a very fit team member. Each of these events was based on a newfound courage. I can do this.  I will do this.

Finally, I’ve eliminated the need for external affirmation.  No longer do I need that feedback to keep me going. I know I’m doing the right things for me.  I know I’m getting better every day. I know after every workout, when I climb into the car and head home, I’m better than I was the day before.  I can see it. I can feel it. And, with X-Team Fitness measures, I can be certain of it.

Conquering performance anxiety is an incredible feeling.  It gives me a sense of joy. True joy. Not happiness. Joy.  Feeling that joy, I can set goals. Goals that drive me forward.  This year, I have three. Run the Monument Avenue 10K in fewer minutes than my age.  Ride a century (100 miles). Bench press 1.5X my body weight.

Together, with friends in the X-Team, I know I’ll make it.  Training with these friends means the world to me. Being on a journey, together, I’m confident I can achieve my goals.